sex as a weapon

I should have known. I really should have. As soon as the sexual behaviors changed from a delightfully engaging, caring, and loving spouse; I should have recognized it as abuse. It took me two years to extrapolate it back. To punish me for getting her pregnant, which was planned, she used withholding, faked vaginismus, blueballed me on purpose, had sex specifically when she didn’t want to to make me feel like a rapist, shamed me for even having a libido, and demanded oral sex while refusing to reciprocate.

I should have left. I didn’t even know I had the option. I was fully prepared to spend the entirety of the rest of my life miserable. That’s regret number one.

Women don’t stop to think how intrinsically tied to a man’s wellbeing sex is. For the next several years she claims she stopped being intentionally abusive. The behavior didn’t change. I don’t believe her. After some time of feeling like a leper, even after my repeatedly stating I wanted an equitable sexual relationship, I started to emotionally attach to other women. I felt more emotionally connected to women I’ld never seen naked than I did my own wife. I got to the point where affection from anyone felt better than anything she was willing to give me. Had I been presented with the opportunity to cheat, I would have.

I fully regret not cheating on her, that’s regret number two. Somehow I felt like cheating in marriage is less disgraceful than the divorce that did eventually happen. So much social conditioning goes into accepting abusive relationships for men. I was shamed into staying, and I’m shamed into not going back.

Number three. I also fully regret feeling like I had to cheat to be happy. Happiness is an entirely internal state of wellbeing. It’s completely independent of the actions of others and entirely dependent on one living their life according to their conscience. I can be happy no matter what, if I’m true to myself.

I’m sick of regret. It consumes me, and I want to be done. This is why I’m speaking out, even if it’s moderately anonymous.

I’m ready to move on, even if it means I must live the rest of my life alone. Robin Williams said “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that you make you feel all alone.”

I will never be a doormat again.